Anti-confidence and the Art of Losing

When I deliver my workshops I’m always mentioning that I’m not a very confident person. It’s difficult for people to understand how this can be true because I’m the one delivering the workshop to help others feel more confident! I find it easy to bring out the best in other people because it draws attention away from myself. I can find the strength in others because I can see the positives in the current situation they’re in without seeing all their life history dragging them down. I can help other people feel good, but making myself feel good and promoting my own strengths is something I find very difficult to do.

How can I explain this better?

I remember something my Gran and my Mum used to do. Gran hated washing the dishes but she would come over to our house and wash dishes for Mum whilst she was out. Washing your own dishes is a chore and a bother which seems to never end, but washing dishes for other people does them a favour which they appreciate. Mum would return the favour by doing dishes at Gran’s house. Each had conned themselves into turning tedium into novelty just by swapping homes. By being pragmatic and generous to each other, household chores became pleasant surprises to be bestowed upon each other.

We all get by a little better with help from our friends.

Sometimes though you have to dig deep and go solo in putting yourself out there. Why do I find it so hard to promote my artwork, to go to exhibition openings, to send emails out to organisations to promote workshops? Well, it’s because I’m putting what small confidence I have in myself on the line and tempting rejection. Procrastination and doubt can be crippling in convincing myself that I’m setting myself up for a fall.

So what do I have to lose? If I’ve already convinced myself that I’m going to fail and there is no point in doing something then surely I have lost already. So if I’ve lost already then I have absolutely nothing to lose? Hey… hang on… Let’s just think about that for a second… I HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE!!!! Genius!

I am not confident, I am anti-confident. I am rallying against my own lack of self-belief and doing it anyway. I can ask friends for help because I’m not scared of the reaction they might give. I’m angry at myself and rebelling against my own negativity.  Tell me I’m wasting my time and that you don’t like what I do. I don’t care. I have nothing to lose.

So here’s a video promoting me. I made it over the weekend and with a little help from my friends it will positively put me out there. I’m not looking for ‘likes’ or counting the number of views. I’ve done it. I’ve broken my own self-imposed cycle of negativity and am running with this as fast and as far as I can.

What’s the worst that can happen?